The Bipolar Christian

Wow, sometimes I have no choice but to listen when He speaks.

(dictionary.com) bipolar
adjective
1. having two poles a bipolar dynamo; a bipolar neuron
2. relating to or found at the North and South Poles
3. having or characterized by two opposed opinions, natures, etc.
4. (of a transistor) utilizing both majority and minority charge carriers
5. suffering from bipolar manic-depressive disorder

All in all, if you know what you are dealing with it; being somewhat bipolar in different ways is… manageable. In fact, with the right structure and motivation, you can even become quite successful in life… as long as you take care of yourself  * (physically, spiritually, mentally). Another KEY factor in a success ‘sticking’; no matter your disability… is make sure to be a part of a “community” aka “social network” or a “family”… without these things… You may feel kinda like a fish out of water, bouncing on a pier, hoping to get knocked off into the water or captured in a bucket just long enough to breathe for another day. God created us all as social beings – whether you believe He created you or not, there is a handbook out there if you want to check it out.

However, let us imagine a person that does NOT know, or have awareness of certain natures within herself.  She may have attributed all changes in mood to a religious connotation and acted accordingly all throughout life, and it may or may not have flopped her fish body off random piers, yet by the Grace of God, she is still breathing.  She does have a few hook scars, but for the most part, she was granted freedom in knowing she was bought and paid for.

Now, as we have all witnessed, reality can feel a little more on the difficult side of impossible, but nonetheless * I am ‘truthing’ here. All this girl ever wanted; was to make a difference – to matter.  The never-ending search to make sense of all she had seen and felt before age 14. She counts this year, not those prior, because that was the year she met Jesus… or His people… She actually recognized the difference in herself as she accepted basic bible truths… this was the year she started to understand who and why she was the way she was. This year, she started to wake up a little – unfortunately, not completely.

Not complaining over here, just stating what was previously unknown or misunderstood. I choose to document the ‘moments’ when I recognize that God is still not finished with me, and acknowledge publicly, that it is not Him that leaves me… it is me that leaves when it all ‘feels’ too much to accept. It is not God that quits working…  He shows me people hurting or needing, or shows me things I am supposed to do, it is me that has to choose to act or not. I became scared… in fact I OFTEN see things in this world that terrify me, but forgetting that God was there was the worst (in my opinion). I doubted I was who He declared I was… His child, regardless of everything – in fact, because of EVERYTHING, I Am His, and I do not need to feel alone.

I am the one that 100% believes – but simultaneously – 100% scared of what I believe – at the same time. That is all ON me… not the One that made me.

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